my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
