the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
