The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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