hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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