I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's the barista slut.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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