Just took my morning after pill in the library
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
