My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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