this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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