I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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