i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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