i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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