Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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