I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
