I accidentally burped into my bong.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
