I got chris browned last night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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