that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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