He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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