there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
