If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
