Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
