I just threw up on my dentist
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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