I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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