She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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