whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
