Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
