I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
