we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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