i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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