i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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