my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
