Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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