is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
