cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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