:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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