you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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