this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
