dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
