god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
