After last night, I could never be a politician.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
