It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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