Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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