just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
