Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize