Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
