I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
