Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
it's like heaven, but drunker
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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