Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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