we have officially lost it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
