when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so let's talk penis.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
