I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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