At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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