I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So much rum. So many feels.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
