while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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