I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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