I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
