4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
