we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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