bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
