nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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