He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
