Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
