And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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