I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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