I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
