She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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