I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
