and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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